Finding the Original Reason for My Not Cultivating Speech

Recently, one of my fellow practitioners pointed out that I should cultivate my speech. Another practitioner had an article that was scrutinized by the CCP (Chinese Communism Party) and then an official from the 610 Office (an agency specifically created to persecute Falun Gong, with absolute power over each level of administration in the Party and all other political and judiciary systems) went to the practitioner's home and caused a disturbance. At the same time, there was something else that was not going well for this practitioner and he was under a lot of pressure. I felt responsible. Before this happened to him, he had seriously indicated to me that I should cultivate my speech. I realized that I was doing just what the practitioner had warned me about. I didn't follow the Fa. I decided to get rid of the attachment. But when the practitioner warned me again, I was very angry. I didn't look inside but outside. I said, "If you think I failed to cultivate speech then just don't let me know anything from now on. I will leave our group and switch to another Fa study group. I just want to be a normal practitioner." My words made her sad and she left.

It felt like I had said something wrong and I was very depressed. At night I talked to my son, who is also a practitioner. He said I opposed her. I remembered then that the practitioner had nicely pointed out my shortness several times one year ago. I agreed but I didn't correct myself. Instead, I used an excuse like "selfishness is gone--heaven and earth are boundless." My son said, "First, she told you that you created the circle for your environment, and second, your relationship with the other students is just like that of teacher and students. You did compare it to the Fa and you thought you were not like that. You created the Fa study environment, which is good. You patiently helped senior practitioners, which is also good. But when Teacher used other practitioners to point out your weakness, did you find out why?" I said it did not make sense to let those senior practitioners go home and study by themselves. I continued to look at it on the surface rather than looking inside myself. My son continued, "Did you not repeat the Fa all the time during group studies? Didn't all the practitioners ask you questions? You acted as teacher for many years. Others like to listen to you. However, they gradually came to rely on you, which made you have some attachments to vanity and showing off. That's why you haven't cultivated speech well."

It was suddenly clear to me, as Teacher said, "We do our cultivation in the setting of ordinary people, and because of this a lot of our students can't seem to let go of many attachments they have, and a lot of their attachments have already become natural to them, they can't notice it." (Zhuan Falun) I had wronged my fellow practitioner and also myself but I had not even realized it. When others said to me that my home was powerful and whenever they felt sick, they would feel better once they came to my home; or when others told me my understanding was quite good; or when they told me my righteous thoughts were strong, I would feel so comfortable. But when others told me that to be bold was not righteous and they warned of the security issue, I did not even think about that. Actually, I was already in such a dangerous situation. I appreciate Teacher's compassion that exposed the attachment which was hidden for such a long time. I really appreciate my fellow practitioner's help. I apologized for my rude words to her. I hope that this will bring awareness to anyone in a similar situation.