Over the past few days, my non-practitioner husband and his mother had several arguments. Last night his mother even struck him physically. They were only arguing over a very small family affair. However, his mother insisted that they must do it her way, but my husband insisted on doing it his way. They ended up with a major argument and his mother went to her room, crying loudly.
Facing that situation, I did not look within. I did not think about why I happened to see it and whether I had some similar notions of "insisting on our own ideas" from the Party culture. Instead, I gloated over it and felt that my mother-in-law helped me to express my own anger at my husband. I remembered how my husband always forces me to agree with him and since I cannot convince him, and also as a practitioner I cannot really argue with him much, I have always been swallowing my complaints. Now finally someone helped me vent my anger. I felt so happy!
Our compassionate Master clearly saw my strong attachment. He gave me a hint in my dream that night. It was a horrible dream that led me to wake up in a cold sweat. I dreamed that I was walking on the roof of a house. Right as I was about to climb down a ladder, there suddenly appeared a black hole at the corner of the roof between me and the ladder. I was able to cross over the hole with one step. Just at I was feeling glad that I did not fall down the hole, somehow, the situation changed and my hands were grabbing on the corner of the roof, and my body was hanging in the air. The corner of the roof was very shaky and about to break. At the bottom of the house there was lots of faeces and it was very nasty. I was in a dilemma. If I tried to climb up, the corner of the roof may break. If I jumped, I would be end up in the faeces. Finally I let my hands go and jumped off, and then I woke up. Thinking from the perspective of cultivation, I realized that because I could not eliminate my attachment for such a long time, my level had already dropped! It was a serious issue and not just about gloating at the surface.
When I used righteous thoughts to dig up my attachments, I was shocked to find that I was hiding my human attachments deeply. For instance, I have a pursuit of comfort, and because of it, for a long time I did not do the exercises. "I am afraid of cold weather" was my first excuse. "I need to take care of my sick child and thus I do not sleep enough" was the second. "Studying the Fa is more important than doing the exercises" was the third. "Maybe other practitioners also do not care about doing the exercises that much" was yet another one. The pursuit of comfort is a major lapse for practitioners, but I covered it up with so many layers of excuses so that I could not see it. I was not acting in accordance with the Fa at all, and I really felt ashamed to face our compassionate Master.
I will use "losing the will for cultivation" as another example. Before the October 1 National Day holiday, the evil factors took advantage of my cultivation shortcomings and my child suddenly became mentally ill. It lasted for two months. Those two months really shook my will to cultivate. Just the same, I covered it up with many layers of excuses. "Asking for Master's help did not work." "I cannot even save my own child - how could I save other sentient beings?" "I studied the Fa and sent forth righteous thoughts, but nothing worked." "I constantly searched within and negated the old forces' arrangements, but it still did not make anything better." Later I found that all of these bad thoughts and excuses were forced into my mind by the old forces. They were not from my true self. When I realized this, Master immediately arranged for fellow practitioners to help me. Master resolved all the problems and my child became completely normal in just one night.
In cultivation, we cannot ignore "small matters." Everything has causes and factors behind them, and nothing happens at random. I hope that everyone can learn from my lesson and give the best effort to cultivate your xinxing (heart and mind nature, character). We must be more and more diligent, save more sentient beings, and fulfil our prehistoric vows.
There are no small matters in cultivation. Even something that seems very unimportant could lead to disasters, just like the saying, "Thousands of miles of the embankment can be broken down by an ant colony."
I finally saw how far behind I was in cultivation! Fellow practitioners are using all kinds of ways to clarify the truth and save sentient beings, but I still hid myself at home and would not come out. I was only staying busy for my own affairs and my mind was not at all on saving sentient beings. Now I feel very ashamed and really regret it.
In Master's article "To the European Fa Conference", I felt that every sentence was pointing out my shortcomings. Master said:
"Didn't the course of your life change into that of a cultivator the day you took up cultivation? Isn't it true that nothing you come across is by chance? Aren't you travelling the path to divinity? Do you really believe that cultivation is only appealing and you can only elevate when what graces your ears are pleasing things and when Dafa disciples only say things that resonate with you? When you cease to study the Fa or do the exercises in a fit of anger, who is it that you're feuding with? Gods? Master? Or is it, rather, yourself? Not being able to get over something for a short time is understandable. But being like that for a long time is a serious violation of your vow, and it means that you are failing to shoulder your share in Fa-rectification, which adversely affects the whole body's overall progress. As the gods see it, nothing is more serious."
I indeed have done a very bad job. In order to make it up as quickly as possible, I must immediately become diligent and walk out from the shadow of losing the will for cultivation. I will put forth my best effort to validate the Fa and save sentient beings, and do what a Dafa practitioner is supposed to do. I will not leave any more deep regrets for myself. I will not let down Master's expectation and will not let down the sentient beings' hopes.
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