In the past I often didn't have strong righteous thoughts and failed to upgrade my enlightenment quality. When I encountered xinxing (character) tests, I often responded with human attachments and solved them with a secular mentality. Therefore, I have repeatedly faced the same problems, but always failed to identify them as xinxing tests and upgraded my xinxing. It was not until now that I have learned to search inward.
Out of compassion, Teacher has given me additional opportunities to eliminate my attachments. Before I practised Falun Gong, I often spoke ill of other people and found fault in others. Although I am practising Falun Gong and no longer speak ill of others, I continue to notice people's faults and disadvantages. In my heart, I often think of others' faults. Needless to say, I was very happy when I finally identified this strong attachment.
This is how the story goes. My daughter goes to school in another area. There is no one else at home but my husband and me. (My husband is not a Falun Gong practitioner yet.) We own a small store at home. Usually my husband tends the store while I go out to run errands. Whenever I saw an empty space on the shelf, I complained to my husband and asked why he didn't move more inventory from the back room to the shelf. Every time I made such a complaint, he threw a fit. At first, I talked back and he became all the more furious. I was so mad that I stopped talking. But I was very angry with him at heart. I thought, "I am a cultivator, otherwise I would have a big fight with you to vent my rage." Then I thought, "Ah, I am a cultivator. I must not behave like him. He is not a cultivator." I tried to repress my rage, but I was still mad at him, so I searched inward. "Why did he get mad when I pointed out his fault? I must have been belligerent. I must remove my attachment to belligerence." When I sent forth righteous thoughts, I tried to eliminate my attachment to belligerence. However, another similar fight would arise after a while. Every time I pointed out his faults, he would always say, "You always point out faults in others, but you never find the faults in yourself." I talked back like before. At first, I was overcome with emotion again. Then I tried to search inward. "It must have been my belligerence at work. But I have eliminated the majority of it. What other attachments can I possibly have?" I continued to search inward. Then something he said flashed in my mind: "You always point out the faults of others." It became clear to me it was my old habit of finding fault with others at work. Looking back, I remembered that I used to speak ill of others before I practised Falun Gong. It was such a bad habit. I decided that I must eliminate it completely. I begged for Teacher's help to eliminate it and prevent it from obstructing me from becoming diligent.
In the past few years of cultivation practice, I have failed to pass many xinxing tests mainly because I didn't search inward. When I did search inward, I didn't do it thoroughly. I have failed to treat myself as a cultivator. When I encountered conflicts, I responded with secular thoughts and emotions. To think that I have only just learned to search inward after many years of cultivation makes me feel ashamed because Teacher had cared for me all these years. It is now the final stage of the Fa-rectification period. Today's Falun Gong practitioners are the guardians of the future cosmos. We ought to grasp the time to do the three things well and search inward more frequently so as to return home with Teacher.
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