The Attachment Buried Deep in My Heart

A fellow practitioner mentioned to me that he realised his fundamental attachment was the attachment to himself. I did not take it very seriously and regarded myself as having no attachment to reaching consummation.

Last night I was feeling very sleepy for unknown reasons. While I was clear that it was interference, I still slacked off and slept for half an hour. As a consequence, I missed the time to send forth righteous thoughts. In the morning, after I woke up sent righteous thoughts, I was thinking: "Last night I missed the time to send righteous thoughts. I need to hurry up and study the Falun Gong teachings to maintain my righteous thoughts."

Then I suddenly realised that everything I was doing was for the purpose of "me being diligent and maintaining righteous thoughts." It may appear that I am very busy and very diligent in studying the Falun Gong teachings, but I have been simply trying to maintain all of this for myself. Although I am not attached to consummation, I am truly attached to the process of "self-improvement." The base of my starting point is "selfishness." The old universe's "selfishness" is hidden deep inside me. It is deeply rooted and ingeniously hidden.

I also recalled several days ago when I was communicating with a fellow practitioner, the fellow practitioner said to me, "Do you know what issue you are having? You speak too indirectly. You may do so to others, but you do not need to be like this to me." Yes, I already have formed the habit of speaking indirectly, as if I were afraid to hurt others. In fact, though, the hidden fear is my concern of how others, upon being hurt, would treat me, or my concern about "me" hurting others and therefore "me" not doing well enough. All of these have the starting point of selfishness.

There are many such little things in me all deeply hidden. The purpose of my writing this article is to improve myself and I also hope that I can help fellow practitioners who have the same issues that I have. While writing this sentence, I had the thought, "Is it possible that others will consider me to be still trying to protect myself?" I must write this down to expose these bad thoughts and to expel these impure thoughts, so that I can get rid of them.

Certainly, it is necessary for us to be strict with ourselves. We cannot go to the other extreme of letting ourselves be free of discipline.